What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 01:18
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
What are the most extreme examples of hypocrisy?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When was the first time you suck on a penis?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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All the time i was locked up.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When do you feel most peaceful ever?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She married twice! .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why are people becoming increasingly hostile to pro-lifers? I am pro-life.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She loved him until the end.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why did my ex-narcissist move so fast with his new supply marriage engagement moving in, etc.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She found it foreign!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why is Donald Trump criticized by so many people?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was 9 years of age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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So whats the point in blame.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I said to her
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I write beautiful poetry .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I waited trembling.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I have no regrets .
One cannot live in the past .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was in good health!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im still living with it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was seconnd youngest,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He knew the spot.
She wouldn,t have been !
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We were not on the streets..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
What did i know ?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We all went to grammer schools
So, i spoilt her more .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it wasn’t much.
It was going to be , some day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I think the readers, may guess!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Would this be the day?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Put me off passion for life!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Who then, do I blame.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Comes on , in middle age.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
This is soul school!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I will be 64.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When she asked me how she looked .
And i lived it daily.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was very sick at this time too.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My life is so biszare .
I couldn’t, believe it.
My family never makes their pension either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.